The Theory of Family

I don’t think I even need to theorize family like I did with friends and work. We all got them, we all know them, we all love them, and we all hate them. Talk about complications! Oh well, here goes:

• They are just there, always have been, always will be. Even when we think we’d do good to cut them all off, it always turns out to be a bad idea.
• In the worst moments ever, I am a gazillion percent sure my brother will be there for me.
• My mom is the most difficult person to ever deal with, ever, EVER! But I love her to death and so as we say in Egypt “like honey for my heart” (على قلبي زي العسل)
• There will always be those people who will blame you for not calling them, and they will always shut up when you tell them that they don’t call either!
• The easiest way to neutralize weird family members is to call them up and say hello every once in a while.
• Aside from immediate family, there will always be the cool aunt and the quirky uncle who you just love to death.
• Yes, family is full of assholes, so is the rest of the world, so don’t worry, no family is devoid of such creatures.
• Thank God we only have to deal with some family members on special occasions, a person simply cannot take all that much family throughout the whole entire year!
• Yes, yes, yes, it is the most difficult thing in the world to call up a family member or hang out with family, but it really doesn’t go on forever.
• Some cousins are really cool, THANK GOD!
• Aunts and uncles tell the best stories about the good old times, and when your mom used to wear miniskirts *wink wink*
• Lifetime guarantee that at least someone will be there when no one else is.
• Since today is the first day of feast, they’re good for some money (sometimes)
• Family members are the most judgmental people on earth, sometimes for your own good but most times because they just think they have the right to judge. In both cases, it gives you some immunity from the rest of the world on that front.
• Family members almost always stick their noses where they don’t belong, and sometimes they need to blow their noses first before sticking them there. The bright side is, you can always tell them to “booger off” and still be on talking terms *another wink wink*
• No matter how bad things get, remember that the uncle is your father’s brother; your father wouldn’t like you to treat his brother badly, neither would you like anyone to treat your brother badly.
• Grandparents are the most fun people to annoy EVER!
• Blood really is thicker than water, it’s simply fluid mechanics!
• Remember that there is mercy in staying in touch with family, so keep the merciful connection open.

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