Wednesday, January 23, 2013

How To Lose Friends & Alienate People

Warning! This is not about the movie, much as I am sure Megan Fox's see-through dress and sexy underwear would be such an interesting topic. This is my own guide on how to lose friends and alienate people: proven to be effective by yours truly.
I am not a trusting person. I know a lot of people but I have few friends. I don't usually warm up to people, and I think people who warm up to me are just plain freaky! Yes, that would be you, you, and you... Freaks! People call me crazy, and I am sure a shrink would agree; with all those people pushing me to see one, I'm sure they're not just saying that either. Finally, I am an expert at trusting the wrong people – when I do finally get to trust them – and beating myself up with a huge stick afterwards, but I just usually prefer to bang my head against the wall.
I am also very very good at – this is the good part – losing friends and alienating people. I am writing this to remind myself of all the friends I've lost, people I've alienated, and last but not least, my ingenious methods of doing so.
1. Be clingy, needy, and annoying.
2. Be confrontational, honest, blunt, and downright insensitive.
3. Let other people, such as my unfortunate ex-fiancé (unfortunate because I do pray over and over that he gets hit by a bus and dies a most gruesome ugly painful death, and I think one of those prayers may just get through, who knows) poison my ideas of my friends, take up the time that should have been theirs, judge them, talk about them behind their backs and find a listening ear, and tell me how to deal with them, which usually sucks.
4. Stop listening to their advice, doubt their every word, and assume they are out to get me; just pure paranoid behavior in short.
5. Not be there when they need me.
6. Trust them with secrets (not always a good idea) and find them untrustworthy; you're bound to meet some bad eggs, so secrets are just for me and myself.
7. Make mistakes and not apologize; call it pride, arrogance, denial, or hope they wouldn't notice… it comes down to the same result in the end.
8. Be arrogant and proud in general.
9. Show obvious favoritism.
10. Criticize them a lot.
11. Push them away for no reason at all.
12. Assume stuff about them and believe those assumptions without questioning.
13. Not trust my gut when something seems so horribly wrong.
14. Not tell them how I feel when something is wrong, in a non-confrontational, blunt way.
15. Attempt to self-destruct, do wrong things, be a jerk, or all the above (they usually work so well together).
Dear reader, you do not have to do all the above, one or two would suffice, although you may have to do more in case they are particularly keen on your friendship. It even works with the best friends, the oldest friends, and the ones that don't take hints. But, you must know which methods work best with which people to have a nice clean sweep.
Good luck with all the people you would lose, hope it works out for you, or if you don't want to lose people, just don't do any of the above and you're probably good to go.

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