Thursday, October 4, 2012

I Am Angry

I am angry.

I’m angry at the traffic every single day. I try to put off my fits of road rage till as far ahead in the road as possible but I usually only last 10 minutes, not even out of Maadi. There is always the driver in between two lanes, or the one trying to overtake you, not to mention the slow slow slow movers who let every other car in the traffic jam take your place while you stay still for 15 minutes longer just because s/he’s the car ahead of you. There will always be the one coming from the far left to the far right that swears at you because you have to be the stupid one not to predict is glorious arrival, and it is indeed glorious with all the honks. And we mustn’t forget the ones that seem to flow into you from the side; they probably want to know how elastic your car can be against the large truck on your other side. I won’t even mention the pedestrians or the microbuses.

I’m angry at the country. Of course I’m angry at the country. I’m angry at how some people think that it’s ok to put people in jail because they may “seem” dangerous. I’m angry at people who hate the revolution because they’re too blind to see beyond it into the depth of the shit this country has sunk into. I’m angry at the revolution and everyone who took part in it because they let it die, and they let others die, and they gave up. I’m angry at every war, every famine, every sickness, every accident. I’m angry at every child sleeping on the streets because I can’t help him, and every old man begging in the street. I’m angry at every woman whose husband beats up. I’m angry at every man who condescends on other people.

I’m angry at how work is not satisfying me. I’m angry at how people think they’re doing the right thing while they’re messing everything up. I’m angry at people who don’t listen. I’m angry at people who make useless excuses. I’m angry at people who go out of their way to hurt other people. I’m angry at people who don’t apologize. I’m angry at people who are looking for ways to make you take the blame for World War II.

I’m angry at my family for being too scared and not giving me enough space. I’m angry at them for being too supportive sometimes when I feel like I don’t deserve their support. I’m angry at my friends for caring too much and I’m angry at them sometimes for caring too little.

I am especially angry at nosy people; the ones that come over to my desk and go through my stuff idly or ask me about how much I paid for my car, not to mention, where I’m going and where I’m coming from. I’m angry at the people that corner me with personal questions that I end up having no other way of answering except with the whole truth and nothing but the truth, despite me being an elaborate liar.

I’m angry at all those passing thoughts of the things my ex did to me. I’m even angrier at myself for letting him do them. I’m angry at being so na├»ve or trusting. I’m even angry at being mean to him sometimes, even if he deserved it.

I’m angry at everything I want and can’t have, about everything I wish I could do but doesn’t seem likely. I’m angry at every frustration, every disappointment. I’m angry at every dream I let go. I’m angry at everyone who told me to let go of my dreams. I’m angry at every story I haven’t written and every book I haven’t read.

I’m angry at being so stuck in this life that seems to have been set for me and fenced with electrocuted barbed wire. I’m angry at all the rules, and the comments, and society, and people. I’m angry at everyone who conforms to life as it is. I’m angry at the stale stagnant state we’re living in; the lack of change, and all the resistance to it. I’m angry at all the misconceptions, and all the falsehood. I’m angry at the lies that we make up and seem to believe.

Apparently, I’m angry at me for being born.

I’m angry all the time. It’s exhausting and scary sometimes and I think it’s affecting my health negatively; blood pressure and heart rate and stuff like that, so I should stop being angry, I just don’t know how. To me, being angry is being human. As a good friend always says, “it’s a savage world out there.” He couldn’t possibly be more right, he just missed how, since I’m always angry, I must be a savage too. Aren’t all savages angry?

P.S. I’m angry at how this post sounded better in my head.

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