Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The Un-Bucket list

I feel so utterly lost. I think that’s unexpected for the girl who has analyzed her personality into 7 different types of people. But I am lost in every way imaginable. All I can say is that I have had and still will have so many changes in my life in the past 3 months that should have been spread out across the entire year. But I don’t mind really. I’ve always liked and favored change. I think Spencer Johnson, the writer of who moved my cheese, is an inspired and inspiring person who really highlighted change at its very basic levels.

I won’t talk about who moved my cheese. I will however say that for me, I’ve always had milestones, or experiences, or epiphanies, something that causes my life to turn upside down and shakes me to the core, changing my perspective for so many different things in life. I even remember in college, I had one of those with a rate of once per semester at some point which I think played a huge part in shaping me now (imagine having a different personality every 6 months!).

Right now, I am at one of those milestones. And as I have heard from my very dear friend Rana Allam (whom I consider a guru on life), you can never really feel your life settling until you hit some point in your thirties and then life becomes clear. I’m a bit young to wait for that now I guess (although not young enough unfortunately) but that doesn’t mean I should stop seeking the meaning of life. In fact, I think it means quite the opposite.

I’m not going to turn into Plato, I really hope I don’t grow a beard! I don’t want to go about philosophizing, which is, ironically, what I’m doing right now. I made decisions and plans to do things and experiment with life. It’s something similar to that list that some people make of things they want to do before they hit 30, or the bucket list for other people. I don’t want to experience life because life is full of experiences. I don’t think that to do something dangerous just for the adrenaline is smart by any means. But I do want to explore myself. I was just telling a friend that I want to learn the cello but I don’t think I’m a musical person. But I don’t really know. I’m guessing! Maybe I’ll be good at it (tough as it may be), maybe I’ll like it. What if I start writing a book? Why don’t I take a few language lessons? I feel like I want to go on a speed dating gig for the sake of the social experiment. For example, I was always HORRIBLE at drawing by all means. And I got an A in engineering drawing in college. so I was never good with drawing with just a pencil, but give me a T ruler and a couple of triangles and I’ll give you an accurate beautiful looking drawing of a bolt :) so maybe I should brush up on drawing, or architecture ( I stole this idea from another friend: Ahmed Mostafa). My brother just suggested that I try to invent a puzzle game since I like puzzles so much. Again I ask myself now, why not? Why not start a project that I feel passionate about? What the hell is SCARING ME??!!!

What’s scaring me is myself; this internal programming of doing something wrong or doing the wrong thing, the feeling of failure which is always so devastating, the feeling of mediocrity which scares me even more. I’m so scared of being able to do something but just not doing it well enough, I’m so scared of doing it forgetfully. But here’s the thing, I’m not scared anymore because I don’t care about doing the act itself as much as I am scared of growing old and not finding out who I really am and what I really want in the end. I don’t want to wake up one day and ask myself what have I done? I don’t want to feel that feeling I’m having right now of not knowing what to do next; the lost feeling. And I definitely do not want to have my life defined by a person, an object, or a title.


(P.S. if this seemed like it ended quite suddenly, I’m sorry for that. But sometimes, it is just wrong to say another word)

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  1. i know it's important to have a sense of purpose of life and to have a plan and all but sometimes just sometimes yr purpose maybe as simple as to just exist. yr presence in the lives of others . just take some time off thinking , do what you feel you wanna do not what you think you must do as long as it's not wrong ( by yr definition). if you feel like playin the cello , do it , if you feel like writing a book do it. so what if you fail , it doesn't matter , you are not competing on the world championship or anything just do it for the sake of how you feel . in time you will find yourself relaxed enough and an idea , premonition or whatever u wanna call it will pop up and u'll know what you will do next. ( just b careful as not to get stuck in this phase ;) ) .

  2. ummm... that's what i meant, thanks for agreeing :)