Monday, August 30, 2010

All by myselves!

Every couple of years I ask myself, who am I? it’s always an interesting question because I never get the same answer twice. I guess this is life where change is the only constant. The funny thing is I’m not really sure there is an answer. The last time I asked myself this question was a few months ago. It was a very confusing time for me, lots of things going on in my life; it happens! What I got was quite surprising but I guess it was the only time I got a really meaningful answer even though it only confused me more. What was surprising was the number of answers I got, all from myself. But the catch is that myself could only be defined as myselves!

Dina: the daughter

I love my mom. I try to do what she asks, not always succeeding though. I try not to get mad when she shouts at me. I respect her opinion more than anything even though we hardly ever agree on anything. She is my role model and my parent and I will always love and respect her because she made me what I am and I will always owe her my life.

I miss my late dad. He has always been the vision of perfection. I imagine talking to him when I think that he would probably the only person who understands me. I got his pictures all over my room and in my wallet. Even though he died when I was quite young, I still believe that he has profoundly influenced my personality and I remember the lessons he taught me and try to follow them.

My main objective is not to fail my parents, always make them proud. Not always successful, but still trying! I’m not sure I can always let myself be myself completely, but then again, which myself am I talking about?! ;)

Dina: the sister

I have one brother only whom I love very much. I like to tease and annoy him, but he likes to do that too so I’m not the evil sibling here. I’ve always followed in his footsteps one way or another. He thinks I don’t respect his opinion cuz I always second guess him but he’s so wrong about that. We get our rows and our good times. The best thing about him is that he is always always there no matter what happens and for that I am deeply and truly grateful.

My brother is now engaged and soon to be married, and his fiancée is now my sister. I don’t take to new people in my life easily and I think the poor girl suffered but I think we’re getting along better now and I’m pretty sure things will be a lot better between us soon enough because she is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met and I really love her dearly :-)

Dina: the fiancée

I was engaged (not anymore unfortunately). I had to be supportive and reasonable. I also had to have fun with my fiancé. We talked close to 3 hours a day. I had to tell him everything and he had to do the same. We used to fight occasionally so there is always the temper to be controlled, and I had to be understanding to his needs. He came first in a lot of things and it was quite difficult to see eye to eye on some things, but we had to try. If he needed me, I tried to be there, and if I needed someone, it was him most of the time. We had lots of discussions about the future and the dreams; the ones we shared and the ones that we didn’t. I also had to keep in touch with his family and make sure that I was not found lagging in anything by them. Not so easy, but I did it. It wasn’t always smooth (duh!) but I don’t think I did a bad job at it either.

Dina: the friend

I adore my friends, i love the way we laugh together and definitely love the way we cry together. They are the people that would never judge me because we’re way above that. They’re the people where I’m my favorite myself with. They’re always concerned without even me telling them something is wrong. They know how to help me whether just by listening, taking me out on a girl’s night, or just plain shouting at me for being stupid! I try to be supportive to them also when they need me. It is with them when I’m most relaxed and it is with them that I truly laugh from my heart. But I don’t have “groups” of friends; I have a single friend in each bunch so each friend has a sub-myself of the above. Although they’re all quite similar, every friend needs special treatment and a special me to deal with them because they are all unique and they deserve that same uniqueness. And for them, I and all myselves are grateful.

Dina: the quality engineer

I love testing and I think I’m good at it. Maybe I’m arrogant but I got some good comments. I am loud at work, quite stubborn when I feel I’m right. I find bugs and I love to think about all those things other people seemed to miss. I like to state the facts rather bluntly, make sure I note my observations and support them with evidence. Good communication is key and so is good teamwork. It’s a fun job and I love it, and I love myself when I’m working because work is its own reward after all.

Dina: the crazy

I really hope I didn’t come off as shallow, because apparently I’m anything but. When people get to know me a little closely, at some point I hear “ya magnona!” (you’re crazy!). I’ve heard it so many times it’s hard to believe it isn’t true. I mean so what if I decide to go out the balcony in the middle of January. So what if I make decisions that don’t quite make sense to other people (they do to me), and so what if I decide to stand on a chair and jump instead of having 4 people get up just so that I could move out of my place? This is the myself that has no rules and does not believe the community has anything to do with her because she’s not really part of that community. What matters to myself is to be spontaneous, and if that means crazy to other people, then fine, myself is one crazy girl ;)

Dina: the sane

Sometimes, people actually come to me for advice! Hard to imagine having a personality like that after revealing the crazy myself, isn’t it? But I am quite analytical, I like to look at things from every perspective, weigh the pros and cons of any decision, understand the meaning of something and its consequences before going into it, and I am actually good at it sometimes. I like seeing the bigger picture; a bird’s eye view of some sort. I look at life as something that needs to be dealt with with caution because it resembles a swamp in so many ways where a wrong move could kill you. Sometimes, I interfere with my crazy self in order to prevent certain catastrophe, but in the general case, we all have our own separate ways that don’t quite intersect. I don’t like to judge people but I like to observe and learn from them, and if at some point when I’ve thoroughly understood certain aspects about that person (or the self they have shown me), I will create an idea about them but I guess I will never use it as a reference.

Dina: the complex

I guess after showing some of myselves it wouldn’t be difficult to come up with the conclusion that I have a complex personality, but I try not to let it interfere with the rest of the other myselves, although I have to admit that this is the one with the most influence. Sometimes I feel like my mind works in mysterious ways; it is not systematic, rather chaotic in the way it works. But there is order in chaos, I mean it works rather well doesn’t it? I find patterns, make connections, come to conclusions that other people would not usually come to. I am not easy to understand nor to deal with. I can so easily confuse you with my train of thoughts. But hey, I gotta say I love myself!

Dina: all the others

This does not some up all the Dinas. There will always be another and another and another. Maybe some of myselves show each other simultaneously and are hard to separate, but I know for sure that some people have only seen so little of myselves that they have a completely wrong idea about me. I know for sure that all those personalities add up to one unique person in the world, and that would be me. Just like an onion, just because I have so many layers does not make me any less of an onion!

I know for a fact I’m not the only one who is like that with so many different personalities. And I am quite sure it’s not multiple personality disorder (at least it hasn’t evolved to that yet). But identifying my different selves has helped me understand who I really am. I still have an identity crisis sometimes, but when I do, I try to find one of myselves to lean on when I’m feeling like that until I find my bearings.

Good luck with your own identity crisis!

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  1. awesome! I like the daughter, the friend, and the quality engineer the most :)
    "I have a single friend in each bunch so each friend has a sub-myself of the above. Although they’re all quite similar, every friend needs special treatment and a special me to deal with them because they are all unique and they deserve that same uniqueness." awesome begad!!