Today marks my 30th. It’s raining outside, I’m drinking my warm coffee, all I need is an old wooden desk and a gramophone playing the blues to make the mood perfect for the very important pearls of wisdom that come upon a person when they hit this significant milestone marking half their lives (my family has a short life span).
(Deep breath)
Confusion:
No, it doesn’t go away after school or college or your teens or 25 or 30. Waiting for it to go away will probably lead to nowhere. The best way to try and neutralize it is to tackle it head on. Confused about what you should do, try doing different things and don’t be scared of the wrong fit. Confused about love, I have no idea I’m still confused about that too. Confused about people, yes I’m sure some of them are aliens and some of them are cave dwellers. Confused about the creation of the universe, study science and religion and philosophy. Confused about science and religion and philosophy, they’re supposed to be confusing, you’re good don’t worry.
Disappointment:
You probably came to that time in your life when you realized your parents are normal people that make mistakes, not superheroes, that the family you’ve always depended on doesn’t necessarily have to be there for you every single time, that your friends bail or disappear or change or just move to a galaxy far far away. You’ve probably met the backstabbers, the hypocrites, the liars, the cheaters, the better-than-thou bunch. You are probably one of the above to some extent (I’m in the better-than-thou bunch but I use my IQ as an excuse to get away with it). You have probably learned that the word “forever” has no meaning when it comes out of a mortal mouth. You’ve learned, I hope, that the world would break your heart worse than any lover would. I’m sure you’ve disappointed yourself quite a few times when your character and essence have been tested and have been found lacking. You have seen the glitter of this world fade, and you may have lost faith in everything and everyone.
This is the life we live. This is the truth they tried to protect us from.
But it’s fine!
It’s fine to expect disappointment at every turn. It’s fine to mistrust. It is really fine to sit in a corner somewhere, alone, and cry your heart out because growing up sucks.
It is NOT fine to only see the world as a series of disappointments because the family that may have failed you once have been there countless times, the regular-people parents have done what they think is best and you didn’t turn out so bad after all, the friends that have gone away to fight their own demons on the other side of the planet have enriched your life even for a short period of time. The job that isn’t all what you dreamed of was in fact all that you dreamed of for a few months or a few weeks or even a few days. Aside from all that, you must have gone through at least one situation, just one, when you’ve been overwhelmed by something that far exceeded your expectations.
At the end of the day (or the decade), don’t lose hope in good things happening because they do. Just make sure you have eyes to see them like you have eyes to see all the other stuff too.
(By the way, I am the most hopeless person you would ever meet, but at least I know that hope is good. Let’s hope I stumble upon it somewhere inside me in the next decade… see, hope).
Purpose (and where to find it):
FYI, I have no idea what my purpose is. I might never figure that one out. But I have become comfortable with trying to figure it out because honestly it’s super fun!
Everyone who knows me a little bit knows that I suffer from the “what now?” syndrome, which is basically asking myself “what now” every time I do something.
I am expecting to find the holy grail at some point. Arthur never found it, and maybe I won’t. But the quest takes me on amazing adventures and it’s fun! I might seem like a confused person (see above) but so what?! One of the perks of 30 is that you stop caring about these minor things like other people’s opinions. I have put it my head that I am an adventurer on a quest for the ultimate knowledge of what my destiny is. The trick is to keep moving and not give up. Actually, the trick is to catch yourself when you give up and slap her back into story mode. I mean when you die and your whole life flashes before your eyes, you don’t want that moment to be boring, do ya?! Who wants to die with a bored look on their faces?!!
Aging:
That one is a bitch!
That moment when you go on a camping trip and realize you’re the oldest one in the group. That all the kids (20 somethings) are having way more fun than you are, have learned so much more than you have, and have seen so much more than you… That’s a tough moment…
Man up and walk it off!
IT IS NEVER TOO LATE! YOU ARE NEVER TOO OLD!
Well, you’re probably too old for some of the swings at the playground, be a dear and don’t break those. But anyway, we’ve already established that you will stop caring what other people think at some point, and that yes, while you have backpains now and may be dragging two kids behind you with a 9 to 5 soul sucking job, you are still a fully functional human being who can do stuff! So, while giggling with the girls like teenagers or playing with Batman’s car at the toy store may in fact look silly to other people, have you ever wondered if they envy you for your ability to do those things since the sticks up their asses are, umm, there? Trust me, they do! Are you worried that the kids in the class with you will think you’re a silly old person? They won’t, they’ll think you’re cool and brave to be putting yourself out there, and will come to you for advice oh wise old one.
You have nothing to lose but your dignity… dignity… dignity… see how horrible that sounds? Lose it already!
Wisdom:
I am wise enough to not regret the time I told a guy I had a crush on him (I was 28), or the time I threw a tantrum at a friend who was dumping me (dignity to hell, you fight for what you love).
I still cringe when I remember them, I still wonder if there are other ways they may have gone down, less undignified ways, but I am so happy I did them. I did what I thought was right. I stood up for myself against myself. That’s pretty cool.
I may be wise (or so I am told, along with crazy, oxymoron), but that’s because I let myself be very very stupid. The trick is to look back and do a retrospective meeting with you, yourself, and your higher self (or something like that, philosophy buffs will relate, and software people too). It’s not only about doing the stupid shit, it’s about looking back at it, and figuring the stupid part out, and learning who you have become, and saying YEEAAAAHHHH! That was so worth it!
I will not claim I know who I am, I’m too fickle to know. But I know that I’m fickle and that’s an achievement. I know that whatever I think I know is not enough, and may be totally wrong, and that I need to keep that on the forefront of my mind.
And while I don’t always do that, I am wise enough to say I don’t know. I am not very good at admitting I’m wrong when I am, but I am trying.
At 30, this is my ultimate wisdom.
